I woke up today too early. I have 30 minutes of time until my job.
I’m sitting and waiting for that half of hour to pass, so that I can start working my shitty job, and leave home earlier possible.
While I’m sitting there, it’s terribly boring. I don’t have anything to do except sitting and waiting. I hate that the most. I hate being somewhere without music, without some other person, basically I hate when I’m alone without some entertainment for my brain.
Terrible, gray thoughts are hunting me without entertainment, and dragging every drop of energy from me. I say gray, not black… Because they are far from black. They are uncertain, foggy conclusions and predictions sitting in the distance, waiting to be revealed thru dense circumstances.
If they were only black… I wouldn’t be worrying all the time. I would already make a piece with it. I would prepare myself for blackness.
The problem is… There is no preparing for gray. All is not certain, and you are left with struggle and fight. Being in the middle, following carefully white line of road while cars are driving around you, in booth directions.
It is so difficult being in gray area. Every small wind is carrying you to the left or to the right, while, all you want is, stand in the middle, far from dizziness and rush of life.
I just want to survive. I don’t want to be a hero, I don’t want to be even someone special. I just want to be normal human, living boring life and die one day old.
Why I have to live with myself like this? I don’t ask for something!!!
Sometimes fear and doubt awakes in me animal which spreads inside my body pulling with it bag of discomfort and box of all terrible feelings. So terrible, my forehead is, occasionally, sweating cold. I wonder does torturing ever stops? Or it is just a dance of soul…
Last five minutes of wait…
I can forget now all this. Hoping that it will never come back.
I like when it’s like now. Everything is simple and known. I have again all strings of everyday in my hands.
Too bad it is already a routine… Maybe I could spice things up with something new… I will think of that when I come at home.
Oh… Again that feeling is spreading inside me. Again that stupid discomfort…
Maybe I will rather watch TV when I come at home…
And the feeling disappeared…