Love Me, Mommy, Love Me

I was born with a sun ray on my head – I came as a Messiah to help change and reshape World around me. My Mom blessed me thousand times and told me how special am I and how brave I’m going to be.

In myself I had all that I ever needed. And by that I don’t mean my hands, legs, body and senses… I talk about Spirit, which didn’t surrender even when my environment was so drastically changing. My spirit, who sees only challenges, not wins and looses again is sitting there and waiting to activate in right moment. What a life is waiting for me…

Mommy why are you yelling on me? Why are you slapping me? Telling me that I’m stupid? Telling me that I don’t deserve better? Why are you telling me I should be average? Why are you not here to back me up?

I taught that life was much simpler than this. I taught that just by acquiring the Spirit, I can do whatever I want… Now I see that living my dream is so difficult. It sometimes scares me, because it’s hard to expect from me, little child, to do everything right. I know my Mom is not doing it on purpose, I know that she is just full of problems like all adults. Nervous because someone made her angry, or asked too much from her.

Still I don’t know why she keeps doing it, what she does if it’s making her angry. When I asked her that, she told me with a laugh on a face that I’m too small to understand.

“Sometimes you wish and dream, but that just doesn’t happen, it is not meant to be for you, but for someone else. Than you need to settle to that what you have, and be happy with it!”

She explained it to me with all her wisdom in a light, like a prophet. What else can I do, but to listen my Mom who is a book of knowledge. Did you knew that my Mom has answers to all my questions, but absolutely all that I ask. How should I not listen to her. I would be stupid not to listen.

As I grew bigger, suddenly all people around me started to talk about impossibilities, about what I can’t do, and what I can. It sounded strange to me that I can’t do absolutely anything, just be the shadow of myself now. I had an resistance at some time, taught in myself, I am myself, to others are impossible, to me is very possible. Why should I stop where they stop…

Concentration was lowering, and others words were stronger and stronger. Soon my affirmation was completely strangled by the negative simple things. I CAN’T…

As I was older, I already got used to the world of ignorance. Hate, greed, pride and not caring bought me into a same mind state with those who’s advice I hated. It got me in same basket with negative thinking and with people promoting it. There is nothing I can do now, I got myself into a magic ring of poor’s. Many times I was unhappy with my unhappiness, but things got so hard that it was better to stay on this level, than to risk falling even lower.

Now old and ready to die, I see my grandchildren and children, seeing them being raised into another world, I hope they won’t make same mistake as I did. I hope their Mom’s will love them more than my Mom loved me.

Oh!!! Mommy, Mommy, why you didn’t like me? Whey you yelled on me, and curse me?

If you could only know how much one word of support would mean to me. If only one curse would be changed for one kind word, my life would been better. Mommy if you at least choose some other life, more happier and safer, you would love me much more. If you only solved all your problems before giving birth to me, you would know that not only feeding is enough for a child.

Mommy look at me now. I’m a ready to die old man weeping for his Mom.

Mommy, Mommy, if you encouraged me once, I would be SUCCESSFUL!

 

For all Mom’s on World !!!

God, Help Me!!!

As I look now deep inside my being, for the last time, to evaluate my life and to finish it epic with a strong message, deep, strong bitterness starts to haunt me. Spreading on my whole body and mind. Hate wrongly directed and not transformed is lying in me deeply, eating huge pieces of me. Rapidly growing, monster is making more and more space in me for it’s minions. It made wreck from me. Poisoned my Soul and made it grey and grim.

My Soul divided and toxic, works without order, without control, spreading that bad energy and killing everything around. Killing everything just to show it’s own being, to relieve from so much grief, hate and pain. It is begging to share it with someone. Anyone.

– What have I become?

– God help me, give me a sign, please do somethings, I need you now more than ever, answer me!!!

No one answers.Sound of quietness is getting louder and louder.

God is sitting near, watching at a poor man, without blinking. Staring at a poor poor man’s problems. Sitting quietly there in all His glory, kindness and love. Waiting for a man to choose to be a man, not to be ego.

He opens His mouth and from it all the wisdom of world sings. But everything fades away. Only thing stayed on God’s lips is:

God grants afraid ones with fear, haters with hate and fools with ignorance. Brings peace to kind and grants light for enlightened. God is pure love.

God gives you whatever you ask, so why you ask hate greed and ignorance?

Only thing that God is willing to give you now is final review of your life and give you one last chance to be brave. Because God is willing to give helping hand to brave ones…

…

My life started as a true MIRACLE. Egg was on a right place at a right time. My father’s “rider” was enough strong to get inside egg. Embrio stayed planted and alive, my mom produced right hormons, my chromosoms got well together… And all other countless things. I went outside of my Mom as perfect “machine” to be produced ever by humans. Stronger than army of other “riders”, with a gift to rise up every time I fall, and path for finding happiness and kindness. With all the tools I need inside me. I was smartest and strongest, so I WON.

My birth right was to succeed in everything. To be whatever I want to be and to do whatever I want to do. I was NATURAL and had in my hands biggest secret of life. But the box containing secrets stayed somewhere on the path, in fact, it is still there and still waiting with same fire inside with same secrets. That box of wonders and possibilities was left away long time ago buried deep in black sands of ignorance on a shore of doubt. Waiting to be revealed, reclaimed and opened, finally opened.

As poor man remembers that, panic hits him. His ego can not surrender so easily. In fact it is in water that is around the shore of doubt. Reinforcing with its strength black sand of ignorance, and turning it into a concrete.

Poor man looks at a God. His eyes begs for help. Begs God to live instead of him. In his fear he is small, and in his doubt he is invisible. All that is left in poor man is aggressive yell. With bad timing and bad taste, missing the point and situation. Poor try to remove pain making same things over and over. Last splash of a fish before death.

Long time ago his Soul and Heart lost the battles and the war. Images of false heroes idols crowded poor man’s being. Pushing himself deeper and deeper. Making sure it will never come back by enslaving the heart. There is no place for original image in poor man.

Suddenly, God stands up. His legs are hitting a ground like clock ticking off. His hand is reaching poor man’s heart. Getting closer and closer.

Poor man is terrified. Now his beg is not more angry, it changed medium. Now it is true tears and despair  with screams and agony. Begging mouth will take anything now, but they are not more quick now like they were. Not so smart now, like they were in their shining moments when they planted destruction and hate.

Tik-Tak, clock is ticking, God is close, no slowing. No turning back, no quitting, it is not a game. God is one who decide. There is no sweet words, no changing subjects.

The heart is beating harder and quicker than ever. Poor man in his ears can hear heartbeats. Afraid more than ever, his scream starts to choke him. Once dominating ego faces his end. Afraid that all what was written in it will be lost. That message won’t pass to next generation.

Message is empty. Everything is so quiet and strange. There is no more conditioning, faded ego stayed in body to rot and be forgotten. Only free spirits exists now.

Now understanding that, free spirit looks at a lifeless body, feeling cheated and angry for all those years spent in  dark, not knowing anything about itself. And just before it will go and settle things in all its rage with dead body, instinctively looks at a God…

It sees God in all his glory, and for the first time realizes it’s own existence and path…

It never looked down, in fact, it never moved it’s eyes from God… It forgot all that has bothered him, forgiving poor ego for mistake.

Never again Spirit looked anywhere besides God…

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
– Gandhi