Step in the Dark

I can not remember being any different. I can not remember the joy and happiness taking place in my life. I can not remember anymore having fun watching at the stars. I can not believe I stopped admiring beautiful trees and blue, blue sky. I don’t think of small wonders that makes my life special, I don’t think of them anymore. 

My mind has been dark, since that happened to me…

What happened to me switched me simply, without resist, to a different person. My guard fell down, and my head opened anticipating first thought to inhabit it.

Since than, fear is on cruel campaign thru my body, eating and poisoning every cell standing in way. 

Since then, insecurity is ruling like tyrant over me. Putting chain on my hands and legs, making my heart settle for nothing, expecting it to be happy with what it get…

I can not remember the joy, true joy, which I embraced and carried with me whole my life. I can only remember that grim feeling of happiness, false happiness, which circulated inside my body after proving myself to be alive. I had to prove myself I am alive. After you feel the tiny fracture of joy, small potential of happiness, you expect all your blood will turn red again, and it will start flowing quicker and stronger, filling your cheeks with life. But that expectation fades with the first taught that enters my head. That joy and happiness stayed a potential forever…

First taught of insecurity, fear and bitterness fills my body. It starts with a realization. It spreads like a poison thru whole body, from head, down.

It is so uncomfortable I want to take a step forward right now. When discomfort comes to the heart, it releases fireworks of sadness, which spreads thru whole being, conquering the discomfort and building an army on ruins, stronger and better than ever.

That fearless feeling of fear is spreading like a monster, constricting my soul deep, deep under the rule of a brain, and reasoning factor. That intense feeling is so strong it drives you mad. It turns red apple into a black stone, unable to inhabit even a small piece of grass. Unable to give life, only able to drag life into dark, deep abyss. 

It has been paralyzing me for a way too long time.

I can only feel happy when I cut myself, and see red blood coming from me. Than I think that still inside me is life, not a dust or a black liquid I always imagined. I can feel bitter happiness inside my being. I can than laugh, only than, spilling tears to show my inner state.

I can laugh in hell. But to laugh in hell I need to cry also…

I can not have the stone on my backs anymore. The things others conquer with ease, I’m fighting and loosing endlessly.

Others… They just think it’s easy, that it’s simple… That’s why they say to me to fight against it.

But they don’t understand… No one has a problem like me, and if someone would have… That person would be here shoulder to shoulder with me. Staying on edge…

They don’t know how is it to be defeated every time, to be defeated cruelly even when you think of winning. They simply don’t know how it is to be alone , so sadly alone, no, they don’t know…

I wonder do they know that this final loss I’m not afraid of… That this last battle I’m not searching for a victory… Just a fracture of joy, and finally piece and freedom of soul…

I will take last step, with faith, without fear or discomfort. I will close my eyes and hope that on one millisecond I will feel the fresh happiness, which will drag a smile on my face and make me feel like a child again. I hope my teeth will find a way thru lips. I hope my smile will be in the end as shining as it was when I was younger… Maybe my soul will awake at the end and experience something which didn’t for a long time.

Maybe all this is just radical searching for happiness… Too radical.

This time I won’t quit, this time I will be brave until the end… This time I will succeed with my plan…

But before last step, I need to open my eyes, and for a last time see what is around me.

When I opened my eyes I could see whole great city on my palm. I felt like a master, like everyone were ants, and I was almighty… Maybe it’s not such a bad place when I think again…

It’s too late for that now…

I decided I will not fail this time…