Monthly Archives: October 2012

I hope you will be as much pleased as I was…

Dance of Soul


I woke up today too early. I have 30 minutes of time until my job.

I’m sitting and waiting for that half of hour to pass, so that I can start working my shitty job, and leave home earlier possible.

While I’m sitting there, it’s terribly boring. I don’t have anything to do except sitting and waiting. I hate that the most. I hate being somewhere without music, without some other person, basically I hate when I’m alone without some entertainment for my brain.

Terrible, gray thoughts are hunting me without entertainment, and dragging every drop of energy from me. I say gray, not black… Because they are far from black. They are uncertain, foggy conclusions and predictions sitting in the distance, waiting to be revealed thru dense circumstances.

If they were only black… I wouldn’t be worrying all the time. I would already make a piece with it. I would prepare myself for blackness.

The problem is… There is no preparing for gray. All is not certain, and you are left with struggle and fight. Being in the middle, following carefully white line of road while cars are driving around you, in booth directions.

It is so difficult being in gray area. Every small wind is carrying you to the left or to the right, while, all you want is, stand in the middle, far from dizziness and rush of life.

I just want to survive. I don’t want to be a hero, I don’t want to be even someone special. I just want to be normal human, living boring life and die one day old.

Why I have to live with myself like this? I don’t ask for something!!!

Sometimes fear and doubt awakes in me animal which spreads inside my body pulling with it bag of discomfort and box of all terrible feelings. So terrible, my forehead is, occasionally, sweating cold. I wonder does torturing ever stops? Or it is just a dance of soul…

Last five minutes of wait…

I can forget now all this. Hoping that it will never come back.

I like when it’s like now. Everything is simple and known. I have again all strings of everyday in my hands.

Too bad it is already a routine… Maybe I could spice things up with something new… I will think of that when I come at home.

Oh… Again that feeling is spreading inside me. Again that stupid discomfort…

Maybe I will rather watch TV when I come at home…

And the feeling disappeared…




I have a really small post…

I will try directly to ask you something, and try to trigger your thinking… Because that is what I try to achieve with my posts.

Do you think happiness is the sense of living?

Why are you not happy always?

Why your words, your actions and your thinking acts almost always like 3 separate entities?

How would it be if you would think, say and do the same thing?

If you were a child again and someone presented the picture of you, like you are today, with all things you did and still doing… Would that child be happy with what he/she saw?

And in the end question that you need to spend most of time thinking about:

Why are you still living?

You can answer in comments and share with us, but it is deigned to be a questions for your soul…

Release it at least for a few seconds… And it will awake maybe again…

Step in the Dark

I can not remember being any different. I can not remember the joy and happiness taking place in my life. I can not remember anymore having fun watching at the stars. I can not believe I stopped admiring beautiful trees and blue, blue sky. I don’t think of small wonders that makes my life special, I don’t think of them anymore. 

My mind has been dark, since that happened to me…

What happened to me switched me simply, without resist, to a different person. My guard fell down, and my head opened anticipating first thought to inhabit it.

Since than, fear is on cruel campaign thru my body, eating and poisoning every cell standing in way. 

Since then, insecurity is ruling like tyrant over me. Putting chain on my hands and legs, making my heart settle for nothing, expecting it to be happy with what it get…

I can not remember the joy, true joy, which I embraced and carried with me whole my life. I can only remember that grim feeling of happiness, false happiness, which circulated inside my body after proving myself to be alive. I had to prove myself I am alive. After you feel the tiny fracture of joy, small potential of happiness, you expect all your blood will turn red again, and it will start flowing quicker and stronger, filling your cheeks with life. But that expectation fades with the first taught that enters my head. That joy and happiness stayed a potential forever…

First taught of insecurity, fear and bitterness fills my body. It starts with a realization. It spreads like a poison thru whole body, from head, down.

It is so uncomfortable I want to take a step forward right now. When discomfort comes to the heart, it releases fireworks of sadness, which spreads thru whole being, conquering the discomfort and building an army on ruins, stronger and better than ever.

That fearless feeling of fear is spreading like a monster, constricting my soul deep, deep under the rule of a brain, and reasoning factor. That intense feeling is so strong it drives you mad. It turns red apple into a black stone, unable to inhabit even a small piece of grass. Unable to give life, only able to drag life into dark, deep abyss. 

It has been paralyzing me for a way too long time.

I can only feel happy when I cut myself, and see red blood coming from me. Than I think that still inside me is life, not a dust or a black liquid I always imagined. I can feel bitter happiness inside my being. I can than laugh, only than, spilling tears to show my inner state.

I can laugh in hell. But to laugh in hell I need to cry also…

I can not have the stone on my backs anymore. The things others conquer with ease, I’m fighting and loosing endlessly.

Others… They just think it’s easy, that it’s simple… That’s why they say to me to fight against it.

But they don’t understand… No one has a problem like me, and if someone would have… That person would be here shoulder to shoulder with me. Staying on edge…

They don’t know how is it to be defeated every time, to be defeated cruelly even when you think of winning. They simply don’t know how it is to be alone , so sadly alone, no, they don’t know…

I wonder do they know that this final loss I’m not afraid of… That this last battle I’m not searching for a victory… Just a fracture of joy, and finally piece and freedom of soul…

I will take last step, with faith, without fear or discomfort. I will close my eyes and hope that on one millisecond I will feel the fresh happiness, which will drag a smile on my face and make me feel like a child again. I hope my teeth will find a way thru lips. I hope my smile will be in the end as shining as it was when I was younger… Maybe my soul will awake at the end and experience something which didn’t for a long time.

Maybe all this is just radical searching for happiness… Too radical.

This time I won’t quit, this time I will be brave until the end… This time I will succeed with my plan…

But before last step, I need to open my eyes, and for a last time see what is around me.

When I opened my eyes I could see whole great city on my palm. I felt like a master, like everyone were ants, and I was almighty… Maybe it’s not such a bad place when I think again…

It’s too late for that now…

I decided I will not fail this time…


Wisdom Quote

So what I think we could aim for in the way of human civilization and culture would be a system in which we are all highly aware of our existing interconnection and unity with the

whole domain of nature, and therefore do not have to go to all sorts of wild extremes to find that union. In other words, look at the number of people we know who are terrified of

silence, and who have to have something going all the time, some noise streaming into their ears. They’re doing that because of their intense sense of loneliness. And so when they feel

silent, they feel lonely and they want to escape from it. Or people who just want to get together. As we say, they want to escape from themselves. More people spend more time running

away from themselves. Isn’t that wretched? What a definition. What an experience of self if it’s something you’ve always got to be running away from and forgetting. Say you read a

mystery story. Why? So you forget yourself. You join a religion. Why? To forget yourself. You get absorbed in a political movement. Why? To forget yourself. Well it must be a pretty

miserable kind of self if you have to forget it like that. Now for a person who doesn’t have an isolated sense of self, he has no need to run away from it, because he knows.


—   Alan Watts

This is for you V.

Every man is defined with his place of birth, name and status of family he/she is born in. It is very important in this world we are living in. When you ask someone who is he/she, he/she will tell you his/her name (try it and you will be convinced).

Is that correct answer?

Well, actually who you are is not how someone is calling you. That would mean that we are defined the moment we were born, and we wouldn’t be able to change. We would be nothing more than animals. Just having serial number.

Who we actually are is defined by thoughts that runs thru our heads, words we say, deeds we do, and Heart which chooses which path to guide us.

Thinking thoughts leads to speaking words which leads to making deeds (manifesting your inner state outside) and by all that in same time choosing your desires and wishes in your Heart (we are often not consciously picking our Hearts desires).

Thinking is start of all. Imagine how much positive thinking would benefit to someone who wants to make a suicide…

I saw once a man throwing himself from a building while I was sitting in a coffee shop… And I remember when all that ended, and sadly man took his life by his own hand (better say jump), I remember the sadness that overwhelmed me. That’s first time I thought of importance of acting according to thought. I was so much sorry I couldn’t cheer him up, or do whatever to buy him some time to sleep over it and think it again other day. I was strongly convinced he wouldn’t kill himself some other day…

Now imagine all the people suffering in jail (no matter what they did), in many kinds of mental clinics, those unhappy, bad, filthy, sick, crippled and any kind of others with mental and sometimes even physical deformations… If someone told them how to think, would they be the same, and do the same things?

I must say strong NO. And here is why…

While watching my surrounding, and listening to people in it, many different characters took right place, as I could see them in real light.

My good friend was a thief (I always looked the character and kindness of people over their job). He was stucked in a film where he was tough, strong man who others should be afraid of. He should be respected and no one should oppose him in argument. Often he would achieve that, but not by his intellect (although he wasn’t stupid at all) but with his strength.

Once when I was talking to him I realized that not so different film was also in my head running when I was lot younger. I wanted to be just like in movies, strong independent and cold beyond all measures. I wanted to be “the man” in charge everywhere I show up.

My film disappeared by finding interests in other things and topics. I found out that this is not what matters… I shouldn’t be strong savage, I should be fine human, with understanding, my thoughts I’m comfortable with and my deeds I will benefit or suffer from.

I visited him few days ago, and he said to me he won a fist fight against someone stronger and with more credibility, or pride, or I don’t know what… He kept telling me how much he was happy when he defended his pride.

Which pride?

You defended your pride with a fight, tell me than how do you defend it when you have a broomstick in your arms and working for nothing?

How will you defend your pride when they put prison clothes on you, tattooing your body with sign of bad, wild animal?

Will you tell to your parents, relatives, friends how you keep defending your pride with silly clothes and funny caps, holding a broomstick in hands and shown behind bars like attraction… Will you defend your honor 2 hours a day when you are on walk? Will you send a picture of that?

Imagine… What would happen to him if he had a society which kept telling him how wrong is that and which are real values in life.

What would happen if someone stopped his talk and said to him 1000 times what he should aim in his life.

Imagine how he would benefit to all of us with his ideas and dreams, only if there was someone… enough interested in him…


To my good friend V.

Hope I will see you soon on the other side of bars.

Who am I?

What is it that makes me me?

Is it a pile of habits, words that comes out of my mouth?

Maybe actions I’m making?

Am I just a machine who runs on blood and food instead of electricity and fuel?

Is my consciousness something what matters?

Why am I here, and why am I searching all those answers, when easier is to stay quiet and do what they told me to do…

Why am I here torturing myself trying to struggle… Not to live, but to struggle…

Are we all born the same? Or there are differences that makes others successful and me… The way I am… ??


Every time I close my eyes, same questions pops out, always the same…

It is just between the thoughts when I can get rest…

Between them in a fracture of a second I feel the blessing from everywhere, bliss and clarity…

That fraction of a second is freedom, and happiness.

Warmth in body spreading, and making me whole, making me superhuman…

Too bad it doesn’t last for a longer, because I would be living there…

And just as it passes away, I say once more, for the last time, like always,

I will make it this time… I will give peace to myself, and let go of all that defined me…

But the circus is still in the town, and the truth just took a free time…


It looks like I’m not meant to be a superhuman… Just another average human, struggling to survive and waiting to rest…

Just like many others… Many, many others.

God of Arms

Imagine that one day your arm falls off, and claims it’s own small, primitive mind and awareness.

That arm is still an arm, and it can’t do much without you. It can move, it can transport itself from one location to another, in theory, it can do whatever it want.

But can that hand succeed?

No, it can not… It must have you as a bigger whole, as a complete being. It can’t rely only on sheer strength of it’s own. It must ask you for help, it must have a wish to be a part with you.

If it doesn’t show a wish to be together in bigger puzzle, offer something as a return for being a part of something bigger, it actually depends from your mercy…

That small arm can talk for hours what could of been from it, if it only had a luck, and little help. That arm can talk about other arms negatively, it can talk to other arms from heights, and it can talk about it’s bigger whole as much badly as it want…

That bigger part is not angry nor avenging… It is still waiting for that arm, foolishly waiting to change it’s mind, and become part of bigger puzzle. It’s not mad because that big part understands that little arm is doing everything to show it’s inner state, that mess which is restricting it from seeing the truth and blessing of being whole. Little poor arm shows how weak it is and vulnerable, it is crying for help, not by words, by deeds… And the bigger part understands that.

The bigger part is foolishly waiting for the moment when hand will see that it belongs to bigger part, and it can understand the fear of hand that it will stop existing when rejoined with the rest.

Bigger part is foolishly waiting and waiting when arm will see that when rejoined with rest, it’s not loosing itself, but gaining divine. That small mind and will will not be important, because that is not existence. That two is not existence. And bigger part is waiting, because it wants to be rejoined with the arm, that one arm which is so insecure and poor. So it can show the blessing of being whole.

And while every arm is searching for the rest of the body, it’s own blessed rest, they don’t see much, all they are doing is fighting for one body on the light, missing thousands and thousands of others staying in a shadow as quiet blessing…



Now tell me… who is your God??

Quote of Wisdom

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”


― Mother Teresa

School of What?

Can someone explain me, how is it possible that there are more educated people than ever, yet there is injustice more than ever?

In school we are programmed to know informations… It is very simple: the longer you are exposed to certain pack of informations, the more that informations become you. In school we are subject in learning our history, that we know nothing of, except what winners wrote. Geography, in which we never get real picture about how is it on other parts of planet, where is planet sickest and how to get know your surrounding in best possible way. Even only 5% of Oceans are discovered, and we are rushing to a Moon and Mars. It is good to be ambitious, but we also need to be detailed.

We learn about human body and mind, and yet we know nothing about ourselves. We learn, and we do not learn to understand. We are fools who know information, but never understand…

Why no one told us that studying that we’ll have no problem with success in future in life? Because it’s not working like that… Facts and informations changes, along with us and our advancement. Yesterday’s illogic things, today became logic, because of new knowledge…

How will we change path of humanity, which in schools are taught to cherish pride and vanity?

How will we help each others feel more comfortable in society, and how will we agree to teach our children same moral and rightfulness.

The only solution is to teach our kids about their strength, about versatility of human kind. Teach them the glory of human kind, and obligate them to work in that honor… To teach them that they have strongest tools available on Planet in themselves… That they are key of  utopia.

Walk straight in dark fearless, do not be ashamed by past, do not be afraid of future, but look around you in awareness, rise every time you fall, and be brave and more determined to achieve it after every fall. That is only way which leads to glory of Humans… 

P.S. Feeling of despair killed me, and my post. When I saw a News it stabbed me in my heart. That’s why I wrote about school and education.

P.P.S. No hard feelings for teachers, they are not my target. My target are one’s which make plan and program for schools.

Tell me your thoughts, I would like to start a conversation with you on this subject…

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